Happy New Year!

Holy crap I forgot I had a blog thing going on! My last update was nearly four months ago and it would be pointless to summarize all of the awesome and not-so-awesome things that have happened to me in that time.  But since this blog is somewhat pointless it seems appropriate I try to summarize:

My second school job was crap. The Chinese management and ownership was lacking in any business sense and they totally ignored me every time I had a brilliant idea (e.g.: provide a good education and students will actually return!). My everyday life was rather quiet with very little drinking of alcohol and the food wasn't too good, either. On my last day in the province it finally snowed-- something I'd been waiting for since moving there. It was a big FU from Shandong Province to me. Eh, whatever: the girls were ugly; the food was sub-par; the beer was watered-down.

Luckily I had a lot of traveling to do this term so was able to leave about once a month on some kind of adventure. I'll have to write about some incredible unpleasant/eye-opening train trips and some of the nuances in culture and people's changing physical appearance from region to region; what I thought of as "Chinese" is not as homogeneous as even they themselves want me to believe. Looks change; values change; clothes change; food changes; architecture changes.

And finally to the present: I am now in Nanchang, Jianxi Province. Wiki it, there's nothing here except the former World's Biggest Ferris Wheel. Wow, that sounds terribly sad. I am now living in a depressingly sad place.  But I digress.

Anyway: I am here for the dumbest reason imaginable but here I am...an illegal immigrant as I type this [Pause for laughter]...[Pause for ironic reflection]. I'm living on floor 15A (14 is to the Chinese what 13 is to Westerners) of a hotel in the middle of the city. It's been a week and I already have two job offers. Things are okay.

People here are quite funny, though: on any given evening the streets are littered with women over 30 showing off their very huashionable* PJs (Ha! So they think!). It's not a bad idea for drunk teens but for (I assume) usually-respectable women? As OMC^ so eloquently put it years ago: How Bizarre, How Bizarre.

Well, that's it. Depending on how I play this hand in two months time I'll be basking under the California heat or sitting in a third-world Chinese jail. Wish me luck...SL


*People in Nanchang cannot make the "f" sound but they still try to pronounce the word "fashionable" in English because it's stylish to do so. The result is a little funny to me but the Chinese from other parts get a huge kick out of it.

^RIP Pauly

Is that a baby on the road!?

Yep, it was bound to happen: there are only so many times you can see a mother, father, child, dog and groceries on a 2-person scooter before one of them falls off.
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Setting:
Hanzhong, Shaanxi Province, Middle Kingdom
Evening on the New Bridge across the Han River

Weather:
Muggy evening, the remnant of the day's oppressive heat; mosquitoes are in a breeding frenzy, trying to have sex all over my body.

Action:
I'm coming off the New Bridge, returning to town. I'm walking backwards on the southbound lane, not that there's really a backwards. Scooters and cars are everywhere and out of nowhere a motorcycle is approaching very, very fast. There are three young guys on it and without reason or necessity they cut-off a family (3 people) on a scooter, clipping its front wheel so that it wobbles uncontrollably for a few seconds
before the man is able to steer it straight again.

Well...

During those few seconds of wobbling-- during which I am certain it will fall over-- the woman seated on the back drops her baby! The child isn't older than six or eight months and is wrapped in a blanket so perhaps this helps protect him somewhat. But she drops it on the road!!

The mother instantly realizes what she did and begins yelling like a mad woman. The husband stops and she runs to pick her baby off the road. The three punks on the motorcycle look back at what they've caused but speed away like the young punks they are. Shaken but visibly relieved the mother cries on the sidewalk with baby in arms. The father chases after the motorcycle but I doubt he catches them.

In 20 seconds it's over.

Notably, there are many witnesses but none make any effort to pick up the child or comfort the mother. This is just what you do: bear witness and don't interfere. This is China.

Sancho Liberman Wants to Know: "How Chinese Are You?"

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and wondered if you're Chinese? Has anyone ever asked you if you're half Chinese? Well, now you can know with 100% certainty if you're Chinese or not.


Note: I love almost everything Japanese.

1. "Climbing Mountains" is the most common answer to the question: What are your hobbies?
    Note: Seriously, these is a country of mountain climbers.

2. Japan is your greatest enemy and you want to kill them all yet purchase their products without a hint of irony.
     Note: History is not easily forgotten 'round these parts.

3. You think Buicks are quality automobiles.
    Note: Buicks are on the same level as Audis and BMWs...well, almost.

4. You wore crotchless and buttless pants as a child.
   Note: Makes it easy for your parent to hold you over the sidewalk so you can pee!

5. Buying gifts for others is more important than buying them for yourself.
   Note: Chinese are very, very generous people.

6. You refer to the "Province of Taiwan."
   Note: My Taiwanese peoples will hate me for this!

7. You yell "Hello?" at all foreigners.
   Note: Yeah, as a question.

8. You dislike Shanghainese because they think they're better than other Chinese. Alternately, if you're Shanghainese you think you're better than other Chinese and refer to them all as "farmers."
   Note: Hahaha

9. You love fried chicken and watermelon.
   Note: There are two fried chicken restaurants under my town's main square and another four facing it.

10. You carry your girlfriends purse/make your boyfriend carry your purse.
   Note: Men carry their murse in addition to their girlfriend's purse. I carry an almost-murse.

11. You don't buy things on credit.
   Note: Cars are bought cash. Americans could learn a lot from Chinese money-management.

12. You warn friends against visiting Tibet because Tibetans are all dangerous criminals prone to violence.
   Note: Different media, different portrayal of Tibetans than in the West.

13. Joe Pazz tells you you're Chinese.
   Note: Pazztrodamus knows. Joe Pazz knew I was Chinese before I did!


0: You're Japanese aren't you?!
1-2: On your way to becoming a good Chinese citizen; probably own a Japanese car.
3-4: Your father or your mother is Chinese; proud owner of a Nikon or Canon
5-6: You're pretty Chinese but would like to live in the West a few years; don't own Japanese products but don't mind using them.
7-11: You're the average Chinese who would like to build a strong China so it can destroy Japan; attend annual anti-Japanese demonstrations.
12-13: You're going to report me to the Politburo because I shouldn't be allowed to access blogs from within China; debating where to get the second "Death to Japan" tattoo. SL

Tragedy Befalls Hanzhong

So it's taken me a while to talk about this but it was quite traumatizing. Here it goes:

Back in May a man walked into a private preschool a few kilometers from my school and killed nine children with a machete. It was the last of a spate of well-publicized child-killings which occurred over a two-week period. I was the first in my school to find out thanks to the BBC and in the following days we hired security guards, installed security cameras, purchased batons and a giant fork (Pictured Left) to keep potential attackers at a distance. After the fear died down these became our favorite off-hour toys!

Less than a week after the gruesome attack students were joking about the incident, the young ones bursting in through class doors while holding imaginary machetes and attacking their classmates. Gotta love kids! But still quite disturbing.

I attended a wedding a few blocks from the attack about two weeks afterward which was pretty weird but not as weird as having a "Crazy Machete-Man Attack Drill" with kids. As if earthquakes, fires and Pig Flu weren't enough for these kids, now they also had to prepare for crazy middle-aged attackers!

The government seems to be doing all it can to prevent these attacks but the important question is: Why are they happening? Luckily, I've figured it out for you...in the next post. SL

Article on attack

Development, Chinese style

Ever find yourself in a Chinese city and wonder about its size? Yeah, me too! Like all the time. I've come to realize that China is like SimCity where cities are awarded "gifts" upon breaking certain population thresholds. What follows is a completely objective list based on a Chinese government report titled "Everybody Gets a Colonel."

KFC (Ken De Ji): Come standards with the Chinese City-building Kit; every Chinese city has at least one.

McDonalds: Upon achieving 750K residents, cities are awarded a McDonalds.

Pizza Hut/Papa John's: When 2.5M souls decide to call a city home they are rewarded with a Pizza Hut and Papa John's.

Haagen-Daaz: How many people does it take to eat at Haagen-Daaz? Five million!

Subway: At about 7M residents the Chinese government will fund a subway line for your city. This is important because a functioning subway is a prerequisite to opening a  Subway sandwich branch.

Starbucks: A city large enough to hold 10M residents deserves a Starbucks. And then another. And another. SL

How to Cross A Flooded Street (And Influence Your Uncle)

So Hanzhong had another day of heavy rain, which for me meant the four streets surrounding my apartment were flooded. It happened for the first time in July, just before returning to 'Merca. And it happened again today.

It was a pretty heavy day so let me say the heavy rain was symbolically appropriate. When I headed to work the streets were fine; when I returned home they were a knee-deep, fast-flowing river. Of course. That kind of day.
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After work I walk to a fancy bakery where I pick up a chocolate donut. I then head to another, even better, bakery to get a beef sandwich. From this bakery I can see the street my house sits on and it looks like a lake. I backtrack about two blocks in order to get a cab; after a long wait and many lost conversations I finally find one who's willing to take me near my house.

The taxi driver leaves me on the curb where the water is barely flowing over-- I take a giant leap and manage to get only a little wet. I make it home via some back alleys only the locals (yeah, I'm a loc) know while avoiding the floodwaters.

But of course, this is also a night I have to go out. Ayyyy. I manage to find a bicycle taxi guy to ferry me across the flooded road to a non-flooded part where I catch a taxi to some bars. I meet up with some Chinese friends I dislike (mainly because the laugh at my pronunciation) and then meet up with my most favorite Chinese person ever-- my friend Yang Lu-- who is super-cool and does NOT make fun of my accent.

I know I will likely have to cross the flooded road on my way home so make it a point to drink much pijiu (beer) in case the worst-case scenario proves true. Judging by how the night went, worst-case was expected and was a fitting end to my night. Ha.

The taxi driver refuses to drop me off on the curb and instead leaves me across the flooded street from my home. What to do? It's the Second World...you improvise!!!

First, PEE. Many beers, lowered inhibitions, running water...what did you expect?!
Step Two: Remove shoes, roll up jeans.
Step Three: Cross, slowly. Acknowledge others crossing with a "Shit, man!" look.
Step Four: Remove socks, throw as far as possible in ironic disgust and put shoes on.
Step Five: Look at doorman and show rolled-up jeans as proof you walked across flooded street.
Step Six: Remove clothing; play Two and a Half Men DVD; type.

Annoying? Yes. But these types of events (and resulting infections) make life interesting, at least for me. SL

Eight Days to Eat the World

I returned home for 8 days with a long list of things to eat. Given the complexity involved in finding lunch dates I left California very satisfied at the foods I managed to eat in that very short time. What follows is my food diary whilst in the Golden State:


Tuesday (7/20):

• At home: baguette, beans, cotija cheese
• Round Table Pizza (Guinevere's garden and BBQ Chicken), garlic twists, A&W Root Beer/Dr. Pepper

Wednesday (7/21):

• At home: eggs, beans, avocado salad, green beans, coffee
• Pickle
• At home: Chiles Rellenos, potato pancakes
• At home: Costco roast chicken
• At M&M's: Homemade chili and hummus, tortilla chips, Hamms

Thursday (7/22):

• Neto's Sausages, Santa Clara: Calabrese sausage sandwich, onion rings, Barq's Root Beer
• 7-11: Sleazy Dog and Dirty Nachos

Friday (7/23):

• At home: Chicken Mole Enchiladas, white rice with potatoes
• Some Brewery in Pacific Beach: Blue cheese bacon cheeseburger with deep-fried onions, fries and beer
• From some cart on the street: 1 cream cheese and chili dog; 1 cream cheese, chili and bacon dog

Saturday (7/24):

• From my room, the Party Suite: Salami, peperoni and nacho cheese
• Wedding Dinner: Roast beef, Caesar salad, mac n cheese slathered in nacho cheese, fish taco, nacho cheese, mini slider, Gin and Tonics
• Nacho cheese on assorted edible delivery methods

Sunday (7/25):

• Bahia Resort, San Diego: Poolside Cheese burger + PBR 
• San Diego Intl Airport: Fountain Coke (this one counts as a meal)
• At home: Beans and cotija cheese, one cheese enchilada
• In n Out: 3x2 Meal, Root Beer and Dr. Pepper

Monday (7/26):

• Gombei, Japantown: The Gombei (Teriyaki Chicken, Fried Shrimp, Croquette)  and the famous fried tofu
• Roy's, Japantown: Mocha
• At home: Chicken Green Enchiladas
• At Casa Mateo: Sauteed Veggies over quinoa, fresh guacamole
• At Blue Sun Studios, Oakland: Schafenberger brownies and Fenton's ice cream

Tuesday (7/27):

• Freshly Baked Eatery, San Jose: Turkey and Swiss sandwich
• In n Out: Barq'sRoot Beer
• Sushi Kazoo, Willow Glen: Assorted sushi, mainly hamachi nigiri but also some deep-fried Philly rolls
• Casa Vicky's, San Jose: Carnitas burrito (first time here; disappointing)

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What didn't I have? NOODLES!

What did I miss?

Fresh bagel from the Bagel House in Naglee Park
Chicken shawerma plate from Alhana Foods in San Mateo
Katsu Curry
Bun cha (ruled out because of the noodles) from City Bakery
French Dip (with cheese) from Original Joe's
Philly Cheesesteak SL

A Ride in the Clouds

The afternoon is warm and a cooling breeze blows over the land; it's Tuesday and have nothing to do so jump on my bicycle and attempt to find the elusive "Second-hand Bike Market."  The Market, I'm told,  is the place where I will be able to find a Flying Pigeon, an old bike I've been trying unsuccessfully to buy from old men, the only people who still ride them.  Since nobody in China knows how to give directions or can tell me the exact location of anything, I ride aimlessly hoping to happen upon the Market.

Fail.

No matter.

The dusty asphalt turns to dirt and wanders into little farm plots just outside of town. I follow the dirt road into another miserably verdant plot and find myself on the airport runway! I stand. I lay. I look around. I'm confused. Nobody to run me off? I'm fairly sure this is unsafe. Further off farmers haul vegetables across the runway, a lucky shortcut for this poor lot.

I retrace their paths into other plots where exposed septic tanks evaporate under the open sun.  The rows of corn and watermelon amidst which they sit will be the recipients of human and animal waste in a few days. Gross? Yes. But I appreciate the honesty with which they do this.

I ride on. The people here are extremely friendly and all smile at my presence, a gesture I return.

Nearer the Han Tai River vegetables give way to rice and farmers are busy replanting rice into flooded fields [Initially the rice is planted densely in small plots then replanted into larger fields and the plants given space to grow. I suspect this is done to allow for an extra harvest of fast-growing plants such as greens or sprouts]. The green color of rice plants is incredible for its purity and vitality and stands in stark contrast to the back-breaking labor involved in its production.

My ride continues through hamlets consisting of anywhere from 10-50 densely-constructed homes. The majority have been rebuilt out of brick or stone but vestiges of mud-brick homes remain-- some still inhabited; others slowly returning to the Earth.

The villages are connected by a new concrete road about two meters wide which must be greatly-appreciated by the farmers living in these villages. Oh, and by me (and my aging body)! I do venture onto dirt roads within the villages but more often than not (5-3) I am chased out by dogs, less friendly to outsiders than their owners.

Damn you Mongorians!!!

China has a physical Great Wall built over many hundreds of years to protect against attack from northern tribes, Mongolians included. China also has something nicknamed the Great Firewall of China, the main Internet control mechanism in the country. And for my first two months here I was able to get through using various bypasses-- Internet-based proxies and web anonymity programs mostly-- until my Gmail account was hacked in late May (Google alerted me via a conspicuous red script which said something like "Your Google Mail account has been hacked from within China. Please change your password blah blah blah." ).

I don't want to Geek you out with the details but I'll leave it at this: after that hack I was essentially trapped behind the Great Firewall of China. It was frustating because I just really wanted to go on Spacebook, watch YouTube and add stuff to the blog, however infrequently I may. I consulted many Forums seeking advice and solutions but it seems it was a nation-wide problem: at the end of May the authorities decided they would crack down on all unauthorized Internet access.

After two months of bypassing censorship I felt extremely frustrated-- and Chinese-- when I was unable to access sites I wanted. But after a month I have found another way through, however temporary it may be.

What's my solution? Ha, can't say. SL 1, CN 1. SL

Legs & Guts

It's Summer in China! How do I know? Legs & Guts!

Women do their very best to show off their legs [insert whistling here] and the men, when they wear shirts at all, have a tendency to roll them up over their belly and gently tap or rub their gut. It's especially funny when young kids do it!