"I obviously didn't rape her."

Second-hand story from a Chinese friend.

A mid-level government worker accused of rape claimed that since he had time to put on a condom it was not rape. The judge agreed with him. The woman has probably killed herself. SL

Sancho, how do you stay so thin?

Ah weight, it's on every Chinese girl's mind. Yesterday I was asked how I stay so thin. [For the record, I consider myself neither thin nor fat; I don't really care about my weight. But these girls assume all Americans are either morbidly obese or look like Brad Pitt, and I confuse them by falling into neither category.]

 Since embarking on my round-the-world journeys I have inadvertently managed to lose a little weight so I am now Internet-certified to provide advice on weight-loss. I've compared diets, portions and lifestyles in Latin America, Europe and Asia and have come up with the following.

The following information I provide free of charge so you may benefit from my wisdom.

1. Don't eat so much. Look at your meal and remove 25%. You're eating too much. Don't be fat.

2. Drink only tea, water, and alcoholic beverages, never cold. 'Ever seen what happens to fat when it's cold? That's what happens in your insides when you drink cold things. Don't be gross.

3. Don't get in a car. Walk, run, take public transit. Whatever, just move. Don't be stagnant.


That's it. Keep enjoying your favorite fatty foods. Don't go out of your way to exercise. No need for gimmicky creams promising miracles even the FDA can't certify (and they'll certify anything).

Try it for one month and you'll thank me. SL

***I'm still deliberating on a fourth point, which would necessitate dietary change (something I discourage):

4. Eat what you're meant to eat. If you're European, wheat. Native American, corn. Asian, rice. Your body has evolved for tens of thousands of years to process specific foods-- don't trip it up!

It's okay, I'm just cheating.

Ah, Chinese universities.  A place where children sit in overcrowded classes and eat, sleep and play on their phone.  And eat. Constantly.

Come any sort of exam or real test of learning and the cheating begins. Shameless cheating. In classes with Chinese staff I hear open-book exams are the norm, with quick-finishers helping the slow-learners under the teacher's watchful eye. Huh.

God forbid these kids get a low mark!

Those wealthy enough to attend a foreign university will be in for a HUGE shock (and possible expulsion.)

Ah, kids. Gotta love 'em. SL

That Chinese man has a small penis...let me explain

Just a few hours ago it finally happened. Yep, I finally saw it. It. The myth. The joke. The dreaded stereotype.

I was riding in a taxi on my way to work when we stopped at a red light. (There was a bus ahead of us so we couldn't run the red light, in case you're wondering.) As usual I scanned my surroundings and saw some usual things: a mother walking her child home; a young couple strolling in matching shirts; a man waiting for a cab; friends leaving a restaurant. My gaze continued its pre-programmed journey but returned to the lonely man waiting for a cab; something did not seem quite right about him. I stared for too long and saw it, the dingaling!

The man was urinating on the street, facing traffic with his pants half down. What a sight! A jolly, overweight middle-aged man just a-peeing away. I caught sight of his unusually small junk and laughed so hard that he heard me because then he started yelling something. The cab sped off so I will never know what. Actually, even if the cab had stayed put I don't think I would've understood. That's one of the advantages of not knowing what the hell is being said. (Well that and being able to openly curse at annoying people in public at full volume.)

I know you're all wondering: Seriously Sancho, how small was it?!? Small. Really small. Really ridiculously small. On a Smurf it'd be small. SL

Happy New Year!

Holy crap I forgot I had a blog thing going on! My last update was nearly four months ago and it would be pointless to summarize all of the awesome and not-so-awesome things that have happened to me in that time.  But since this blog is somewhat pointless it seems appropriate I try to summarize:

My second school job was crap. The Chinese management and ownership was lacking in any business sense and they totally ignored me every time I had a brilliant idea (e.g.: provide a good education and students will actually return!). My everyday life was rather quiet with very little drinking of alcohol and the food wasn't too good, either. On my last day in the province it finally snowed-- something I'd been waiting for since moving there. It was a big FU from Shandong Province to me. Eh, whatever: the girls were ugly; the food was sub-par; the beer was watered-down.

Luckily I had a lot of traveling to do this term so was able to leave about once a month on some kind of adventure. I'll have to write about some incredible unpleasant/eye-opening train trips and some of the nuances in culture and people's changing physical appearance from region to region; what I thought of as "Chinese" is not as homogeneous as even they themselves want me to believe. Looks change; values change; clothes change; food changes; architecture changes.

And finally to the present: I am now in Nanchang, Jianxi Province. Wiki it, there's nothing here except the former World's Biggest Ferris Wheel. Wow, that sounds terribly sad. I am now living in a depressingly sad place.  But I digress.

Anyway: I am here for the dumbest reason imaginable but here I am...an illegal immigrant as I type this [Pause for laughter]...[Pause for ironic reflection]. I'm living on floor 15A (14 is to the Chinese what 13 is to Westerners) of a hotel in the middle of the city. It's been a week and I already have two job offers. Things are okay.

People here are quite funny, though: on any given evening the streets are littered with women over 30 showing off their very huashionable* PJs (Ha! So they think!). It's not a bad idea for drunk teens but for (I assume) usually-respectable women? As OMC^ so eloquently put it years ago: How Bizarre, How Bizarre.

Well, that's it. Depending on how I play this hand in two months time I'll be basking under the California heat or sitting in a third-world Chinese jail. Wish me luck...SL


*People in Nanchang cannot make the "f" sound but they still try to pronounce the word "fashionable" in English because it's stylish to do so. The result is a little funny to me but the Chinese from other parts get a huge kick out of it.

^RIP Pauly

Is that a baby on the road!?

Yep, it was bound to happen: there are only so many times you can see a mother, father, child, dog and groceries on a 2-person scooter before one of them falls off.
-------
Setting:
Hanzhong, Shaanxi Province, Middle Kingdom
Evening on the New Bridge across the Han River

Weather:
Muggy evening, the remnant of the day's oppressive heat; mosquitoes are in a breeding frenzy, trying to have sex all over my body.

Action:
I'm coming off the New Bridge, returning to town. I'm walking backwards on the southbound lane, not that there's really a backwards. Scooters and cars are everywhere and out of nowhere a motorcycle is approaching very, very fast. There are three young guys on it and without reason or necessity they cut-off a family (3 people) on a scooter, clipping its front wheel so that it wobbles uncontrollably for a few seconds
before the man is able to steer it straight again.

Well...

During those few seconds of wobbling-- during which I am certain it will fall over-- the woman seated on the back drops her baby! The child isn't older than six or eight months and is wrapped in a blanket so perhaps this helps protect him somewhat. But she drops it on the road!!

The mother instantly realizes what she did and begins yelling like a mad woman. The husband stops and she runs to pick her baby off the road. The three punks on the motorcycle look back at what they've caused but speed away like the young punks they are. Shaken but visibly relieved the mother cries on the sidewalk with baby in arms. The father chases after the motorcycle but I doubt he catches them.

In 20 seconds it's over.

Notably, there are many witnesses but none make any effort to pick up the child or comfort the mother. This is just what you do: bear witness and don't interfere. This is China.

Sancho Liberman Wants to Know: "How Chinese Are You?"

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and wondered if you're Chinese? Has anyone ever asked you if you're half Chinese? Well, now you can know with 100% certainty if you're Chinese or not.


Note: I love almost everything Japanese.

1. "Climbing Mountains" is the most common answer to the question: What are your hobbies?
    Note: Seriously, these is a country of mountain climbers.

2. Japan is your greatest enemy and you want to kill them all yet purchase their products without a hint of irony.
     Note: History is not easily forgotten 'round these parts.

3. You think Buicks are quality automobiles.
    Note: Buicks are on the same level as Audis and BMWs...well, almost.

4. You wore crotchless and buttless pants as a child.
   Note: Makes it easy for your parent to hold you over the sidewalk so you can pee!

5. Buying gifts for others is more important than buying them for yourself.
   Note: Chinese are very, very generous people.

6. You refer to the "Province of Taiwan."
   Note: My Taiwanese peoples will hate me for this!

7. You yell "Hello?" at all foreigners.
   Note: Yeah, as a question.

8. You dislike Shanghainese because they think they're better than other Chinese. Alternately, if you're Shanghainese you think you're better than other Chinese and refer to them all as "farmers."
   Note: Hahaha

9. You love fried chicken and watermelon.
   Note: There are two fried chicken restaurants under my town's main square and another four facing it.

10. You carry your girlfriends purse/make your boyfriend carry your purse.
   Note: Men carry their murse in addition to their girlfriend's purse. I carry an almost-murse.

11. You don't buy things on credit.
   Note: Cars are bought cash. Americans could learn a lot from Chinese money-management.

12. You warn friends against visiting Tibet because Tibetans are all dangerous criminals prone to violence.
   Note: Different media, different portrayal of Tibetans than in the West.

13. Joe Pazz tells you you're Chinese.
   Note: Pazztrodamus knows. Joe Pazz knew I was Chinese before I did!


0: You're Japanese aren't you?!
1-2: On your way to becoming a good Chinese citizen; probably own a Japanese car.
3-4: Your father or your mother is Chinese; proud owner of a Nikon or Canon
5-6: You're pretty Chinese but would like to live in the West a few years; don't own Japanese products but don't mind using them.
7-11: You're the average Chinese who would like to build a strong China so it can destroy Japan; attend annual anti-Japanese demonstrations.
12-13: You're going to report me to the Politburo because I shouldn't be allowed to access blogs from within China; debating where to get the second "Death to Japan" tattoo. SL

Tragedy Befalls Hanzhong

So it's taken me a while to talk about this but it was quite traumatizing. Here it goes:

Back in May a man walked into a private preschool a few kilometers from my school and killed nine children with a machete. It was the last of a spate of well-publicized child-killings which occurred over a two-week period. I was the first in my school to find out thanks to the BBC and in the following days we hired security guards, installed security cameras, purchased batons and a giant fork (Pictured Left) to keep potential attackers at a distance. After the fear died down these became our favorite off-hour toys!

Less than a week after the gruesome attack students were joking about the incident, the young ones bursting in through class doors while holding imaginary machetes and attacking their classmates. Gotta love kids! But still quite disturbing.

I attended a wedding a few blocks from the attack about two weeks afterward which was pretty weird but not as weird as having a "Crazy Machete-Man Attack Drill" with kids. As if earthquakes, fires and Pig Flu weren't enough for these kids, now they also had to prepare for crazy middle-aged attackers!

The government seems to be doing all it can to prevent these attacks but the important question is: Why are they happening? Luckily, I've figured it out for you...in the next post. SL

Article on attack

Development, Chinese style

Ever find yourself in a Chinese city and wonder about its size? Yeah, me too! Like all the time. I've come to realize that China is like SimCity where cities are awarded "gifts" upon breaking certain population thresholds. What follows is a completely objective list based on a Chinese government report titled "Everybody Gets a Colonel."

KFC (Ken De Ji): Come standards with the Chinese City-building Kit; every Chinese city has at least one.

McDonalds: Upon achieving 750K residents, cities are awarded a McDonalds.

Pizza Hut/Papa John's: When 2.5M souls decide to call a city home they are rewarded with a Pizza Hut and Papa John's.

Haagen-Daaz: How many people does it take to eat at Haagen-Daaz? Five million!

Subway: At about 7M residents the Chinese government will fund a subway line for your city. This is important because a functioning subway is a prerequisite to opening a  Subway sandwich branch.

Starbucks: A city large enough to hold 10M residents deserves a Starbucks. And then another. And another. SL

How to Cross A Flooded Street (And Influence Your Uncle)

So Hanzhong had another day of heavy rain, which for me meant the four streets surrounding my apartment were flooded. It happened for the first time in July, just before returning to 'Merca. And it happened again today.

It was a pretty heavy day so let me say the heavy rain was symbolically appropriate. When I headed to work the streets were fine; when I returned home they were a knee-deep, fast-flowing river. Of course. That kind of day.
------------------------------------------------------------

After work I walk to a fancy bakery where I pick up a chocolate donut. I then head to another, even better, bakery to get a beef sandwich. From this bakery I can see the street my house sits on and it looks like a lake. I backtrack about two blocks in order to get a cab; after a long wait and many lost conversations I finally find one who's willing to take me near my house.

The taxi driver leaves me on the curb where the water is barely flowing over-- I take a giant leap and manage to get only a little wet. I make it home via some back alleys only the locals (yeah, I'm a loc) know while avoiding the floodwaters.

But of course, this is also a night I have to go out. Ayyyy. I manage to find a bicycle taxi guy to ferry me across the flooded road to a non-flooded part where I catch a taxi to some bars. I meet up with some Chinese friends I dislike (mainly because the laugh at my pronunciation) and then meet up with my most favorite Chinese person ever-- my friend Yang Lu-- who is super-cool and does NOT make fun of my accent.

I know I will likely have to cross the flooded road on my way home so make it a point to drink much pijiu (beer) in case the worst-case scenario proves true. Judging by how the night went, worst-case was expected and was a fitting end to my night. Ha.

The taxi driver refuses to drop me off on the curb and instead leaves me across the flooded street from my home. What to do? It's the Second World...you improvise!!!

First, PEE. Many beers, lowered inhibitions, running water...what did you expect?!
Step Two: Remove shoes, roll up jeans.
Step Three: Cross, slowly. Acknowledge others crossing with a "Shit, man!" look.
Step Four: Remove socks, throw as far as possible in ironic disgust and put shoes on.
Step Five: Look at doorman and show rolled-up jeans as proof you walked across flooded street.
Step Six: Remove clothing; play Two and a Half Men DVD; type.

Annoying? Yes. But these types of events (and resulting infections) make life interesting, at least for me. SL