"I obviously didn't rape her."

Second-hand story from a Chinese friend.

A mid-level government worker accused of rape claimed that since he had time to put on a condom it was not rape. The judge agreed with him. The woman has probably killed herself. SL

Sancho, how do you stay so thin?

Ah weight, it's on every Chinese girl's mind. Yesterday I was asked how I stay so thin. [For the record, I consider myself neither thin nor fat; I don't really care about my weight. But these girls assume all Americans are either morbidly obese or look like Brad Pitt, and I confuse them by falling into neither category.]

 Since embarking on my round-the-world journeys I have inadvertently managed to lose a little weight so I am now Internet-certified to provide advice on weight-loss. I've compared diets, portions and lifestyles in Latin America, Europe and Asia and have come up with the following.

The following information I provide free of charge so you may benefit from my wisdom.

1. Don't eat so much. Look at your meal and remove 25%. You're eating too much. Don't be fat.

2. Drink only tea, water, and alcoholic beverages, never cold. 'Ever seen what happens to fat when it's cold? That's what happens in your insides when you drink cold things. Don't be gross.

3. Don't get in a car. Walk, run, take public transit. Whatever, just move. Don't be stagnant.


That's it. Keep enjoying your favorite fatty foods. Don't go out of your way to exercise. No need for gimmicky creams promising miracles even the FDA can't certify (and they'll certify anything).

Try it for one month and you'll thank me. SL

***I'm still deliberating on a fourth point, which would necessitate dietary change (something I discourage):

4. Eat what you're meant to eat. If you're European, wheat. Native American, corn. Asian, rice. Your body has evolved for tens of thousands of years to process specific foods-- don't trip it up!

It's okay, I'm just cheating.

Ah, Chinese universities.  A place where children sit in overcrowded classes and eat, sleep and play on their phone.  And eat. Constantly.

Come any sort of exam or real test of learning and the cheating begins. Shameless cheating. In classes with Chinese staff I hear open-book exams are the norm, with quick-finishers helping the slow-learners under the teacher's watchful eye. Huh.

God forbid these kids get a low mark!

Those wealthy enough to attend a foreign university will be in for a HUGE shock (and possible expulsion.)

Ah, kids. Gotta love 'em. SL

That Chinese man has a small penis...let me explain

Just a few hours ago it finally happened. Yep, I finally saw it. It. The myth. The joke. The dreaded stereotype.

I was riding in a taxi on my way to work when we stopped at a red light. (There was a bus ahead of us so we couldn't run the red light, in case you're wondering.) As usual I scanned my surroundings and saw some usual things: a mother walking her child home; a young couple strolling in matching shirts; a man waiting for a cab; friends leaving a restaurant. My gaze continued its pre-programmed journey but returned to the lonely man waiting for a cab; something did not seem quite right about him. I stared for too long and saw it, the dingaling!

The man was urinating on the street, facing traffic with his pants half down. What a sight! A jolly, overweight middle-aged man just a-peeing away. I caught sight of his unusually small junk and laughed so hard that he heard me because then he started yelling something. The cab sped off so I will never know what. Actually, even if the cab had stayed put I don't think I would've understood. That's one of the advantages of not knowing what the hell is being said. (Well that and being able to openly curse at annoying people in public at full volume.)

I know you're all wondering: Seriously Sancho, how small was it?!? Small. Really small. Really ridiculously small. On a Smurf it'd be small. SL

Happy New Year!

Holy crap I forgot I had a blog thing going on! My last update was nearly four months ago and it would be pointless to summarize all of the awesome and not-so-awesome things that have happened to me in that time.  But since this blog is somewhat pointless it seems appropriate I try to summarize:

My second school job was crap. The Chinese management and ownership was lacking in any business sense and they totally ignored me every time I had a brilliant idea (e.g.: provide a good education and students will actually return!). My everyday life was rather quiet with very little drinking of alcohol and the food wasn't too good, either. On my last day in the province it finally snowed-- something I'd been waiting for since moving there. It was a big FU from Shandong Province to me. Eh, whatever: the girls were ugly; the food was sub-par; the beer was watered-down.

Luckily I had a lot of traveling to do this term so was able to leave about once a month on some kind of adventure. I'll have to write about some incredible unpleasant/eye-opening train trips and some of the nuances in culture and people's changing physical appearance from region to region; what I thought of as "Chinese" is not as homogeneous as even they themselves want me to believe. Looks change; values change; clothes change; food changes; architecture changes.

And finally to the present: I am now in Nanchang, Jianxi Province. Wiki it, there's nothing here except the former World's Biggest Ferris Wheel. Wow, that sounds terribly sad. I am now living in a depressingly sad place.  But I digress.

Anyway: I am here for the dumbest reason imaginable but here I am...an illegal immigrant as I type this [Pause for laughter]...[Pause for ironic reflection]. I'm living on floor 15A (14 is to the Chinese what 13 is to Westerners) of a hotel in the middle of the city. It's been a week and I already have two job offers. Things are okay.

People here are quite funny, though: on any given evening the streets are littered with women over 30 showing off their very huashionable* PJs (Ha! So they think!). It's not a bad idea for drunk teens but for (I assume) usually-respectable women? As OMC^ so eloquently put it years ago: How Bizarre, How Bizarre.

Well, that's it. Depending on how I play this hand in two months time I'll be basking under the California heat or sitting in a third-world Chinese jail. Wish me luck...SL


*People in Nanchang cannot make the "f" sound but they still try to pronounce the word "fashionable" in English because it's stylish to do so. The result is a little funny to me but the Chinese from other parts get a huge kick out of it.

^RIP Pauly